


Half a breath

by Quingxie



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Graphic Descriptions of blood, Hansol comforts boo, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Pen Pals, ambigious ending, but might continue it, detailed warnings in authors notes, have some angst on seungkwans brithday, unconventional self harm, warm hug, you will probably hate me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-18 22:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22267870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quingxie/pseuds/Quingxie
Summary: Time is like a passing breeze, slow yet only there for a short moment before it too like sand slipping through one’s fingers, has faded away. Years may change and alter our thoughts but the feelings that linger in the depths of the unconscious does not.Sometimes it takes nothing more than a simple exchange of hearts for the reaping pain to begin to heal.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	1. Authors Notes

Hello,

I wanted to point out some warnings that I can't fully tag in detail.

The story has elements of:

Graphic descriptions of unconventional self harm- scratching can be a symptom of anxiety and the form that is presented in the story is an extreme case, It is mainly based on my own experience and yes it is a form of unconscious self harm.

Mental Breakdown- This is described in detail to a large degree but it shouldn't be too much I hope.

Blood- There are mentions of blood but only during a small scene.

This is quite angsty yes and ends quite ambiguious so if you hate that sorry, but perhaps if people are intrested then maybe I could continue and give you the solid answers.

Not the best thing I've written and its kind of dumb and maybe a little rushed but I hope you like it

Also Happy Birthday to the best boy of the universe Boo Seungkwan aye.


	2. Half a Breath

Time is like a passing breeze, _slow_ yet only there for a moment before it too like sand slipping through one’s fingers, has faded away. Just like how the passing of years may change us or ruin us, it forever evolves alongside the life that continues to grow. Years may change and alter our thoughts but the feelings that linger in the depths of the unconscious does not, but rather remains stagnant.

Though the air felt rough and heavy accompanied by the pouring of rain in the late hours of the night, which should have essentially felt like a major inconvenience for Hansol. It was not.

For rather than feeling troubled and cursing his luck, Hansol could not help but feel a rather strong sense of exhilaration. It was the kind you would similarly experience as a child after having done something you should not have, but neither regretting it despite the acknowledgement and consequences that may follow.

In the case of Hansol, tonight would’ve been a definite example of this, where he had decided that instead of staying indoors, at his newly rented flat which he usually would have done, he would go out and travel halfway across the foreign city he was only becoming accustomed to.

 _Why?_ just because of the sudden spontaneous outburst that left him feeling as though he’d regret it otherwise and thus, he left with nothing more than a small bag packed, in addition to the slow beating heart that longed for something far, perhaps non- existent.

Now he was at a position where he ran half drenched, without the company of a proper jacket which he hadn’t considered as he left, lost trying to make sense of direction. Eventually after running up various streets and the several kind gestures from a few late goers he managed to settle his gaze on the dim outline of the bus shelter nearby.

Hansol stopped and breathed a long sigh of relief feeling grateful and happy that he could at the very least get to the room he had booked a few hours prior. He began to jog towards the sheltered space but as he reached closer his pace seemed to unconsciously slow before he stopped entirely, frozen.

A figure sat at the end of the long bench beneath the shelter, his eyes glued to the ground with his frame slouched over. Despite the darkness that limited Hansol’s vision and the fact he stood quite a distance away, he could not help but feel the thin glass barrier that held back the more overwhelming emotive side of his being, completely shatter.

A ringing loop sounded in his mind, he became immensely triggered as he stared intently at the young stranger whose hair was a complete mess, expression empty as if there was barely any life contained. The most striking however were the layers of white cloth bandages and plasters covering up his throat like an incomplete collage, half hidden behind the too small jacket that hung from his frame.

 _It had been over ten years_ , the only reference Hansol ever having that the boy ever even existed was the small photograph from the first letter he had ever received back then as a child, A long way away from where he was now. He had never seen the boy before but Hansol knew deep in his heart, body and soul that it was him.

There was no mistake about it, his mind was screaming at this point deafening his senses so all he could do was stare in shock, eyes widening in disbelief at the figure as if he were a ghost. A remnant figment of who he once knew.

His heart could tell no lie. It was Seungkwan. It was the small boy he had lost back then, his only true friend. His beloved penpal.

“Seungkwan?” He called out in a quiet whisper, dragging along the last syllable as though to question. Was he merely being delusional? hallucinating over a deep pain that he never really got over.

But amid his fears and doubts he had somehow managed to find the strength to approach near slowly, each step heavy and weighted as though time itself wished him to remain. It was like watching a frame from afar.

But Hansol refused to allow himself to stay still. The question in his mind kept lingering and he felt his heart beat become rapid as each passing second went by.

The withered figure of the young man remained still for a long while before he lifted his head slightly and turned it to face Hansol who stood motionless as the rain continued to mercilessly pour down on him. Wet cold drops were leaking into every inch and fibre of his skin, but the cold was nothing compared to the overwhelming conflicted feelings that clashed against his mind at that very moment.

The man opened his mouth slightly before closing it again, looked away suddenly as if he was trying to figure out what he wanted to say before turning back to Hansol.

“Who are you?” the stranger finally managed to ask, his voice sweet yet cracking slightly with this sort of mysterious underlying deepness that echoed across the short distance between them. His eyes boring straight into Hansol’s own like he was trying to test to see how he’d react.

However, Hansol stared straight back with a sudden surge of confidence, became very sure it was him, the fact he answered meant the person who stood in front of him was real and still very much living.

The softness that was present in the aged photo that sat behind a blank frame hidden from sight seemed long gone, now left with a sullen bleakness that was ever present from head to toe. What was once so out of reach was now seated in front of him. Hansol knew he couldn’t pass by this opportunity and chance of perhaps a proper closure if Seungkwan truly had tried to disappear back then without any trace nor reply, even after the countless letters Hansol’s younger self sent in desperation.

“It’s me Chwe Hansol, do you remember we were pen pals before you disappeared?”

Though he had been the one to ask, Seungkwan hadn’t really expected an answer let alone another question followed from the man claiming to be his once supposed pen pal. He didn’t expect a response but the answer that he had been given made Seungkwan look away, breaking the eye contact that had been held between them. He felt his jaw clench in, and his chest about to burst, afraid Hansol would notice he quickly tried to regain his composure.

“I don’t know you, I don’t ever remember having a pen pal”

The words were calm and collected sounding smooth, yet each syllable was a continuous piercing stab that aimed straight at very centre of Hansol’s chest. Hansol would be lying if he were to say it didn’t sting. He felt utterly wronged at that moment, had it been someone else in his shoes they would’ve probably lashed out in rage but this was not just anyone, it was Hansol who seemed to find a way to swallow down his hurt and slight anger only to approach nearer to Seungkwan who sat unmoving having restored his gaze back to where it originally lay.

The _cold_ hard ground.

Hansol managed to produce a weak smile as he tried to get over the cold truth that though Seungkwan had left such a large impression on him, he was perhaps nothing to him. He felt like his heart shattering at the recollection, thinking about how he’d wait by the door at the last week of every month when his special letter would arrive.

When it stopped, his entire life was crushed deeply, having been left with no answer nor explanation and the difficulty that came when he knew it was time to move on, instead hoping and praying his supposed friend would be okay.

“Are you alright?” He decided to ask instead, indicating to the depressive state Seungkwan seemed to be in.

The other did not respond, but rather continued staring at the stone pavings beneath his feet. Hansol too did not feel the need to push further either, but rather sat himself on the opposite side of the bench leaving a large space between the two.

Silence reigned on for the rest of the time as both souls intertwined by a faded past of what could have been, sat on either side beneath the same clouded night as the skies wept, with the silence of nothing but the faint sound of breaths unsynchronised that were taken and shared between them.

A while became a dozen minutes and eventually the signs of a light began to shine through the distance. The sound of rain was loud, but the sound of the motor moving closer only became more distinguished. Hansol, who had been lost in his own thoughts looked up at the sound to see the flashlight of the bus that beamed brightly approach near.

The night bus stopped at the bus shelter and unfolded its doors to invite in the passengers that sat, before the doors folded back up and the engine echoed as the bus left, leaving behind the two strangers sat on either side.

Seungkwan who had merely ignored everything, blocking himself from reality only to find the bus leave empty, could not help but glance at Hansol, who seemed to be preoccupied in a supposed daze staring straight ahead into nothingness. He tried to ignore him, but his presence bothered him immensely.

“Why didn’t you get on? It was the last bus of the night” He questioned, his voice low as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Hansol turned to stare back at the confused pair of eyes as he tilted his head to one side before asking him the same.

“Why didn’t you?”

The answer was not what he had expected thus he was unable to hold back the surprised gasp that escaped his mouth and how his eyes widened. The surprise was brief though and soon enough he found himself turn his head again looking back at the empty spot on the ground.

He felt his heart drop and suddenly he felt incredibly sick and agitated, he tried to close his eyes and distance himself, but he couldn’t help as he reached out towards his throat feeling the layered material and rubbed his palms against the scarred space. He sighed deeply.

“I have no place to go”

It was the only answer he could give and perhaps the most honest one he had given of the night he thought. He felt embarrassed so his voice could barely be heard, coming out more as a whisper than a sound. For a long second, he thought perhaps it wasn’t just an answer to Hansol’s question but rather more of an answer and message to himself.

A reminder of the emptiness of everything around him and the solitude he was trapped within, like a small fly caged between the webs of self-hate, deceit and hopelessness.

Seungkwan didn’t have the need to dwell into his dark thoughts for long because the sound of Hansol getting up was enough to catch his attention. He had stood up at the very second the words had left Seungkwan’s mouth and looked expectantly at the shorter who stared back.

“We could always walk” He saw him smile warmly, his expression almost desperate before he watched him continue. “Do you know the way?”

The question was so simple and the accompanied sweetness of that small smile nearly broke Seungkwan as he watched Hansol reach out his hand towards him.

Though they stood a metre apart, too far for Seungkwan to take a hold of, it was enough for the words to linger in his mind triggering something small in him that led him to stand and look beyond the general direction the bus had gone. Once again bringing his palm to rub against the bandages constricting half his throat.

“Yes”

It was merely a simple word, but breath of the three letters held a sort of strong power and force unimaginable. The short word was all it took for the two to begin walking. Seungkwan, though not sure of the destination lead as Hansol happily followed suit maintaining a wide distance between the two.

A space left between their shadows as though if they were to cross something or even everything that was held between them in this short moment would change altogether.

The rain poured heavily drenching the two shadows that walked at a slow pace on the empty path, a trail lit by nothing but the faint light of worn street lamps that stood tall looking down on them and guiding them through their ongoing journey. The path to what however was unknown, the answer left like a torn piece of a paged book.

The rain began to seep deeply into the fabric of their denim and cotton, sticking tight against flesh in conjunction to the ever-closing distance that began to shrink steadily as Hansol realised how small Seungkwan truly was, the steps being small in comparison to his own. Hansol smiled a little finding it cute somehow but at the same time he had this sudden urge to do nothing better but to shield the drops that fell so violently, pressing into the few areas of exposed skin, within a short space of time the messy hair had become matt, strands sticking to his face as the small streams flowed down.

Hansol cursed himself for not bringing a jacket, but even if he did would he truly have had the courage to completely step into Seungkwan’s space? a hardened bubble that seemed to give off a strong auraed sense to stay away.

“You never told me your secret?”

The question was asked more in curiosity rather than with the intention to know. But it was enough to disturb the small solace that had formed between the two during their silent journey. Seungkwan stopped in his path, a little ahead of Hansol and turned back to look straight at him.

He looked up with, what Hansol thought to be the coldest expression he had ever seen, it was like his veins had frozen from the icy glare. He watched as Seungkwan’s lips pressed together, forming a tight thin line but despite those cold eyes that stared straight into his soul he thought he could see something behind that front, Fear? Hurt?

Seungkwan remained that way for a long while, his presence half masked by the faint light that made him look like a ghost. Hansol couldn’t help but draw his breath at the sight. Seungkwan looked a mess but god there was something about the way the light shone at that very angle that shook Hansol’s core. The way the stray drops flowed down from his temple down towards the insert of his shirt, the way his lips were somewhat pouted, painted red like a cherry drop and the way his clothes stuck to his frame exposing the curves of his body line. He was absolutely beautiful, the kind where it’s so sudden but heart fluttering.

Seungkwan’s gaze however he saw was so distant, looking away and past Hansol as though he was looking elsewhere, he looked so out of reach even though he was only a few steps away but could only stare as Seungkwan opened his mouth struggling to find the right words to say.

“Won’t you let me hold onto the last piece of myself that I still have within my grasp?”

The words sounded so desperate, his voice cracking as if he were on the brink of tears, it left Hansol dumbfounded but before he could register the words that escaped from Seungkwan’s lips the boy had already turned back and walked on, leaving behind Hansol who for a long second remained where he was before he too began to move, pacing his steps with Seungkwan.

This time neither spoke until they reached the entrance of the aged building that clearly had not been renovated in a long time. How on earth Seungkwan knew, it was the only hostel or place available around that direction and so he figured hoping that it was right and luckily it was. It wasn’t a place he would bring himself, but he only followed Hansol’s lead even though it was him in front.

Seungkwan took a deep breath before looking at Hansol who stared at the building with a sense of familiarity before he turned beginning to leave. He had barely walked a few steps before he felt a sudden force pull gently at the shoulder of his jacket.

“I told you _we_ could always walk”

Seungkwan swallowed hard, biting a thin layer of skin on the bottom corner of his lip. His entire body had stopped, but the grip that remained on his shoulder remained. It hurt but he couldn’t bring himself to push it away, the weight of that implication was just too heavy thus he could do nothing but use the heel of his worn-down trainers, that were aged and stained with the mess of the years dust and dirt, to turn around towards Hansol’s direction.

He looked down though unable to make eye contact, he lacked the strength to look up but enough to just about reach out and peel away the hand that continued to hold onto his jacket. It felt awkward but he guessed it didn’t really faze Hansol considering how he merely moved his grip to Seungkwan’s wrist instead tugging it forward as he began to walk towards the building with Seungkwan following behind.

It wasn’t long before Hansol had checked in, thanking the receptionist as Seungkwan stood back facing elsewhere in the small lobby, assessing the interior of the waiting hall that was too old and dreary to be considered a luxury but then again it was only a hostel, a cheap alternative.

“C’mon” Hansol called out pointing towards the direction of the stairs leading up the east wing of the hostel. Seungkwan looked over towards the direction that Hansol had pointed to find that it led up towards the other section of the hostel that held private singular rooms.

Seungkwan hesitated for a second but it didn’t take long before he made up his mind, with the main thought lingering being that in essence he had no other place else to go.

Seungkwan took a deep breath and nodded towards Hansol following his direction till they reached a plain door that was covered in the cracked dusts of loose chips of paint that had begun to wear away. Moving this gaze away from the broken paint he glanced at the metal numbers inscribed that were screwed in crooked somehow.

‘What a joke’ he thought.

The sound a short sharp click disrupted his thoughts and not before long he found himself follow Hansol through the doorway into the room. He stood still by the frame of the door and proceeded to just merely watch as Hansol kicked off his shoes replacing it with a pair of slippers that was placed neatly by the shoe rack. He continued to stare before giving up, deciding to follow suit but stayed more out of the room than really entering it.

After a moment of silence and the way Hansol stared back at Seungkwan who was still contemplating why he was he in the first place. He caught Hansol’s gaze and suddenly began to carefully walk into the small enclosed space that barely held anything else other than a desk and bed. He felt incredibly awkward and decided to just sit on the edge of the bed as Hansol was busy going through the bag he carried. It gave Seungkwan the opportunity to really take in the view of his surroundings which if he was being honest didn’t look too bad.

“Would you mind if I could go and shower first? I really feel gross like this.”

Seungkwan turned quickly towards the voice of Hansol’s voice and gave a short yes before Hansol smiled gratefully and quickly entered the bathroom with a pile of folded clothes that Seungkwan had failed to notice him take out his bag. He continued to sit there in silence swinging his legs back and forth like a small child. It was only when he heard the click of the lock and the sound of the shower start did Seungkwan let out a breath of relief.

Seungkwan walked further in making his way specifically towards the bed that lay at the centre corner of the room. He felt so tired that he couldn’t help but sit himself at the centre of the bed which dipped slightly at the bearing of his weight. He took a deep breath as he allowed the sinking to take him in, he hadn’t felt comfort such as this in a long time and the feeling made him incredibly dizzy,

Seungkwan couldn’t help but smile a little, he had been worried for so long and it was a regret he held onto for a long time but now he could see Hansol was okay he felt relieved almost. He had thrown those memories deep into the back of his mind and had cut off all ties in hopes of sparing all the worry but in the end, it only made him even more isolated and alone.

 _“You never told me your secret?”_ the words echoed in Seungkwan’s mind.

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, asking Hansol if he could confess a secret to him was the last thing he had written back then in his final letter, he hindsight he never knew it would have been the last one and in all honestly didn’t want it to be but yet fate had fucked things over.

Back then he had no one else and perhaps he never ever truly did, but back then when he had known nothing more than a young boy at the sweet age of 15 would ever have had any knowledge of the world, he had felt great comfort in confiding with Hansol, a friend and the only person he could truly be real with.

The smile that had been present soon began to fade and the gratitude he felt suddenly twisted into something darker.

Seungkwan could not forget the face Hansol made as he told him that he didn’t know him, the thought he had purposely hurt the other ripped through his mind and it made him seethe in self-hatred. He was truly selfish.

Seungkwan didn’t realise he was choking up until he felt his throat tighten to the extent he began struggling to breathe consistently. All of a sudden, the white constrictions around his neck was suffocating and Seungkwan felt his palms begin to get sweaty, fingers itching to do something as they clenched in and out.

 _Calm. Calm. Calm._ He repeated in his head as he tried to regain himself, but the click of the bathroom door interrupted all his efforts.

He looked up slightly and was met with a fresh looking Hansol strolling out, fair complexion glowing and cheeks slightly pink from the heat. He had changed into a white hoodie with some grey sweatpants looking much better.

However, Seungkwan in a state of panic at the timing did not have the pleasure to admire the sight as he felt a sudden urge to throw up and so quickly rushed into the bathroom, past Hansol, who looked confused, and locked the door.

Seungkwan immediately made it to the basin and retched, but nothing more than small streams of bile was spat out, squeezing eyes shut from the painful hot acidity that passed through his throat along with the squeezing tight pain in the centre of his stomach that pushed for more from the empty space.

After a small while feeling all the strength leave his legs, he staggered back till his back knocked on the door with a small thud, he collapsed onto the ground. Slouching as he brought his knees up allowing the heaviness of his head to rest on the bony surface that dug into his cheek.

Wrapping his arms around hugging his knees towards his chest, he began to cry out.

He hated himself, he hated about everything in his life but at the very end of the day he knew no matter how much he could scream out in agony about the world failing him and push the blame to anyone but himself, he was a fool and a coward with the mistakes from his past coming back to haunt him

_It was karma._

He continued to cry out angrily, muffled beneath the layer of his jacket which he used to cover his tears and any sound that indicated he was sobbing uncontrollably, he didn’t need to let the whole world know.

There was a small knock from the door. “Seungkwan-ah, are you alright?”

Seungkwan tried to regain his composure, he didn’t need to concern Hansol and so he took a moment to stay silent before he choked out his best attempt to sound like he wasn’t crying like crazy.

“Yeah… I’m fine.”

Hansol of course could instantly tell something was wrong, even when he heard the sound of the shower start, he was overcome with this bad feeling. The numerous sounds and banging that he had heard concerned him greatly and make him uneasy.

He looked at the door carefully and then noticed that the door had an emergency mechanism to unlock from the outside via twisting the thin circular metal cap that was directly linked with the inner lock.

Hansol sped to the kitchen to find something with a straight thin end that he could possibly use, eyes lighting up after catching sight of the handle end of a spoon.

‘Perfect’ he thought as he quickly made his way back.

Pressing the end of the spoon through the slit of the circular metal and twisting it just enough to hear the click of the lock open, Hansol didn’t hesitate to rush inside glancing around for the small figure.

Seungkwan sat holding his knees in the shower compartment fully clothed and entirely drenched as the showerhead continued to gush out water. Hansol stood frozen in shock for a long second, eyes widened in horror until his sights settled upon the unnatural hues that stained the palms of Seungkwan’s hands.

There were continuous streams of red spilling through the corners of his wrists with the bandages and countless plasters that once occupied his neck now tattered, loose and shrown into pieces like a torn painting ripped apart.

Hansol immediately panicked, rushing over to find Seungkwan shaking violently as he wailed into the sleeve of his soaking jacket. Short, uneven nails covered in nothing but layers of skin and blood that kept seeping between his fingers that tore into the now exposed skin of his lower throat beside his collarbone.

Hansol tore away his hand from his neck and froze looking at the scarred lacerations, scabs of previous deep lined skin broken into between strings of the remaining fabrics that were now stained. It was like an enjambment of horror.

Seungkwan was screaming and wailing as he tried to cover his neck and move away from Hansol who was trying to calm him, but Seungkwan despite his lack of strength was very difficult to handle especially with sharp kicks and punches his flailing limbs gave in the midst of his blind panic.

Hansol as much as he didn’t want to be was left with no choice but to eventually just forcibly grab the upper length of Seungkwan’s arms, gripping hard against the shaking shoulders of the smaller’s resistance.

However, it was only so much Seungkwan could take before he eventually began to cry out in pain from the sharpness that dug into his flesh making him stop for a moment which in turn gave Hansol the chance to pull him towards himself locking him between his arms. Seungkwan yelled once again and struggled trying to break free but the locked grip was too much and so he could only give up, accept and lean into the strong hold defeated and sobbing into the wet shoulder of Hansol’s hoodie.

Even when Hansol loosened his grip, Seungkwan did not move, his face pressed into the thick fabric as silent hot tears seeped through with occasional whimpers of apologies. To whom? That was something Hansol didn’t want to think about.

Hansol did not want to move him either, afraid of another outburst and so let him remain for a moment before deciding to slip his free arm under his knees supported by his other arm that supported his back.

He tried hard not to slip and to carefully move away from the compartment, when he successfully managed to do so, he kneeled slowly and had Seungkwan sit on titled ceramic ground, letting him go as the other broke out into another fit of tears.

Hansol leant towards the sobbing boy but a wave of his hand indicated to leave him be and so he did, though he hesitated. Hansol sighed deeply, feeling tired but very lost too.

He didn’t stand for long making his way towards the running water and turning it off with the twist of the knob and clearing up the space that he hadn’t noticed had become a mess feeling incredibly uncomfortable within the now soaked garments he wore. But he discarded those thoughts quickly when seeing the dishevelled state Seungkwan was in.

The very first thing Hansol decided was most important thing to, seeing as Seungkwan was truly not in a rational or clear state of mind, was to deal with the wound. He undid the remaining torn stained fabrics and plasters now fully exposing the bruised, disfigured skin that had been previously hidden.

He figured since it was bruised and healed up in some places and covered in continuous scratch marks that this was an issue that had been present for quite a while and the blood thankfully was not from a new wound but rather reopening old injuries.

The wound had already air dried by the time Hansol managed to grab a wet warm towel to clean up the remaining coloured residue, there wasn’t much for him to do it was mainly dealing with an emotionally unstable state Seungkwan that was left within.

“Seungkwan-ah” he gently called out but the other did not respond, eyes glued in the direction of his feet. He tried again but it was to no avail.

“Kwannie” he whispered after a brief moments hesitation as he reached out to carefully take his hand, caressing the surface encouragingly.

It must have worked somehow as soon enough Seungkwan finally lifted his head to look at Hansol, he had felt humiliated, embarrassed and incredibly sick however what he hadn’t expected to see was the same familiar comforting expression he had witnessed previously with no trace of judgement nor shock evident.

Hansol seeing Seungkwan respond slightly continued. “You have to get changed otherwise you’ll get sick”

He watched the other nod slightly before averting their gaze, Hansol was confused for a second before realising the issue.

“its alright” he began taking Seungkwan’s other hand too and holding it tight. “You can borrow some of mine”.

The shorter seemed reluctant but did not voice any protest in the matter and simply responded with a small agreement before pulling his hands away from Hansol’s grasp.

Everything fell to silence and the air that had been thick with the remnants of the brief episode was much calmer, but a underlying tension remained and that was the most difficult part of all this.

A talk was necessary but was Hansol, a mere stranger with nothing more than a small fragment of a decade’s time, worthy of that? He felt like he knew the figure that sat opposite him but at the same time all he had to go by was the squiggled cursive words of a small version of who they once were.

Why did he bring him along, when perhaps the best thing was to leave him be? Why was he so obsessed, even his parents were sceptical when he had announced his leave earlier that year, concerned. A part of him was convinced it was a form of moving on but the other part held onto the small hope that perhaps in the country filled with millions he could find the sparkled lenses that outdid every sunset he had ever witnessed.

“I’ll leave you be” he murmured after a while, feeling deflated but a quick grab of his sleeve made me stop to face a wide eyed Seungkwan, red faced and hesitant.

“Please could you just help me for a little, I don’t think I have the strength to move around.”

With not a single word more, Hansol moved towards the direction of the bathtub that sat at the centre beside the glass compartment Seungkwan had previously gone, he inserted the plug into the small drain and turned on the water and awaited for it to fill.

Once he played around with the temperature and made sure the water was hot enough he went back to help Seungkwan get undressed, he peeled away his jacket that seemed to stick to him like a second skin and was very surprised to see varying arrays of light scratches and bruising but did not want to ask afraid it would make Seungkwan more anxious than he already seemed to be.

He helped him pull of his shirt too that had become stained with some of the blood that had fallen earlier.

“You alright?” Hansol asked, noticing Seungkwan’s sudden shift of discomfort but the smaller brunette merely nodded slowly and suddenly everything became quite awkward.

Seungkwan registered the awkwardness and he would be lying if he were to say he was incredibly uncomfortable but then again, Hansol had helped him to this point and it was unfair to have him stay longer so he just coughed slightly to regain Hansol’s attention.

“Its alright, I can do the rest myself you can go now I can handle it”

Hansol seemed very reluctant but Seungkwan gave an assuring nod before he watched Hansol slowly leave and close the door with a small thud. Seungkwan took a deep breath before he removed the rest of his clothing and somehow making it to the steaming tub of water that literally enveloped his entire soul and being.

It was somehow painful, from the stinging of his now exposed neck but everything else felt heavenly, for the first time in a long time his aching muscles seemed to soothe and just dipping his head below the surface and back out refreshed his head.

He remained in the water for a long while and watched as the roughness of his skin began to smooth, red and raw. It was only once he saw small crinkling folds begin to emerge he decided it was about time to leave the now lukewarm comfort.

“Seungkwan-ah” He heard a echoed voice call out distantly. He hummed towards the direction of the sound.

“Are you nearly finished it has been quite a while since you’ve gone in”

“I’m fine, will be out soon” he called out before quickly moving on to actually wash his hair and body.

It wasn’t long until he was finished and after glancing around noticed a the small pile of clothes at the very corner with a folded towel above. Seungkwan tried to think when it had gotten there but quickly brushed off the thought with getting changed into the inches too big sweater, whose sleeves rolled a little over his finger tips accompanied by the loose sweatpants he had to slightly roll up.

It was comforting and warm and he couldn’t help but smile a little before leaving to see Hansol sitting on the bed, changed into a short-sleeved shirt and another pair of pants holding a take out box. Seungkwan couldn’t help but wrinkle his nose.

“crumbs” he simply stated, answering Hansol’s confused expression.

Hansol got up and placed the box on a small cabinet before getting up to check up on Seungkwan, taking his arm and making him sit by on the edge of the bed as he hurried to the other side of the room taking out a plastic container.

 _oh_ Seungkwan thought when he realised what it was. A first aid kit and from what he could tell Hansol had taken out several pieces and carried them over dropping them beside Seungkwan who glanced over to look at the labelled contents and the white plastered strips that were unopened.

Hansol leaned over and kneeled slightly as he brought down the sweater just below the collarbone where he began to dab the wounds with some ointment. Seungkwan obviously winced and nearly kicked Hansol from the pain.

Seungkwan had always had a low tolerance.

“Fuck” he hissed out continuously which amused Hansol who hadn’t heard him curse before. When it was finished, he plastered thin lines and bruisings against Seungkwan’s complaints that he wanted it bandaged instead.

“Its much harder managing that way and is more prone to infection” Hansol tried to reason and eventually Seungkwan had no choice but to give in.

“Its late” Seungkwan noted quietly as he looked at the clock to which Hansol merely hummed as he finished up with the final few pieces. Seungkwan felt oddly sentimental and just stared at the bleak white sheets of the frayed curtains that were closed.

“I’m tired, you know?” he voiced aloud, it wasn’t like he was specifically saying it to anyone but he just rather needed a moment to just say it for himself to hear. It sounded more real that way but Hansol was oblivious of that and so merely took it as a statement directed to himself.

“Eat and then you can rest” he answered back, readjusting the collar of the sweater before getting up to sit besides Seungkwan.

“Nah, I’m not particularly hungry besides I’ve dealt with worse”

Hansol sighed wishing to protest.

“You look like you’re going to die” At that Seungkwan could not help but laugh. Hansol was surprised but there was something about the way the voice echoed and filled the room that drew up something in his soul, a familiar surge of warmth.

It was the same smothering of light and joy he used to feel as a child, before everything went astray.

“perhaps I’ve already died, perhaps this isn’t real and merely the afterimage of a long distant dream”

Hansol turned himself and did what he thought could convey his feelings better than any words could ever, he hugged Seungkwan and felt the way the other became tense and stiff before slowly relaxing back into the hold.

“You’re very much alive, see”

_Time is like a passing breeze, slow yet only there for a short moment before it too like sand slipping through one’s fingers, has faded away. Years may change and alter our thoughts but the feelings that linger in the depths of the unconscious does not._

_Sometimes it takes nothing more than a simple exchange of hearts for the reaping pain to begin to heal._

“I’m so sorry” a small voice cried out.

Gripping the thin fabric between their fingers clawing into the others embrace, a safety that they had run from years prior, the small voice ripped into wailing sobs and the painful tears that had formed within began to fade evaporating through their cries into nothingness.

They wept long and hard till their voice broke and the inner linings of their throat became painful and inflamed but the safe foundation they had found themselves wrapped within did not falter but rather remained letting and allowing them to yell out their frustrations and rid of the darkening depths that that poised their vison and mind.

***

The early streaks of lights shone through the tiny gaps of the white curtains when Seungkwan awoke, tucked in the centre of the cushioned bed. He blinked a few times feeling absolutely exhausted and drained.

He turned and noticed that Hansol was no where to be seen and his heart sank painfully but as he slowly began to get up, he noticed the familiar figure sat on the chair that rested in the far corner of the room, legs crossed, and head rested on crease of his elbow. Asleep.

Seungkwan went and grabbed a spare sheet from the closet and made his way to cover the taller with it, he felt a little guilty and from the way it seemed he had been watching and looking over him all the time.

But it was time for him to leave.

“Please don’t go”

He turned to find Hansol stare doe eyed, tired but also hopeful. Seungkwan gave a small smile before turning around once again.

“I can’t take another 10 years of this loneliness” Seungkwan stopped at the words. “you promised we would one day meet and you’d show me your home, the beach and-“

“I’m sorr-”

“But you have no place to go, so why don’t you stay with me”

“Hansol I-”

“You said you _loved_ me”

Seungkwan froze, his heart was thumping loudly and nothing, but fear took over his senses, his head was screaming and denying but he had long shed that darkness.

“And I still fucking do”


End file.
